i am sleepless nights

counting the glow-in-the-dark stars on my ceiling

covering my mouth until my knuckles are white just to keep the sound in

tears on my cheeks match the temperature of my body

chipped yellow nailpolish and swallowing the taste of pennies

i am "not hungry"

counting calories

grams of sodium

ounces of protein

sick sick sick and i hate it

pushing away dinner for the fifth night that week

as my parents look on and pretend nothing's wrong

now i am sobbing the lyrics of a stupid love song

aching for the way it seems to hurt me so deeply

even without a love to cry about

and i am the sharp sudden pain of the realization of being alone

yes, i am rugburned knees and chewed nails

untied black boot, one-half of a pair my mother had hated to buy me

i am a CD collection and bitten lips

it's just a nervous habit nervous habit nervous habit

as if gnawing a hole through my cheek is any better than the rows of scars

stacking their way neatly up my wrists

but, see, if you stand in a certain light

and put it all in black-and-white

you'll never know that i'm not quite

the girl you thought you knew last night