2002. I’m seven years old and scared as hell

To make a sound

I start to weep and plead with her

Please, please not Emily

A sick smile is carved on her face as

She thrusts herself onto my innocent, child body

 

My brain is racing with overwhelming fear

And I’m filled to the brim

With blood-curdling, silent

Screams

This is my fault

I am dirty, ruined and need to disappear

 

2007. Beautiful, seductive, enchanting and elusive

You start with a gentle kiss

Tempted with tricks and captivated with illusion

I’m fooled into blind devotion

 

You give me power,

A reason to breathe

A little less food, a little less freedom

But I’m FINE.

It’s worth it.

Push harder.

 

2008. I step up and the sacred number is revealed

For a moment my past loses strength

You plaster a twisted grin on my face

And my sight is warped

 

Flash to March 3, a cold, gloomy day

He loses his cool

Again.

I feel his disgust with every shaming word

The blood in my veins is boiling

So I hold my breath and keep it in

You make way for my descent

Numbing with food or the lack thereof

It’s a thrill

To flush away my soul

 

 

You feed off of me as I feed off of hunger

You deplete me from the safety of even

My own mind

My vision shifting still, as you consume me

With this fog

Thriving off being

Completely,

Hopelessly

Empty

 

You chew up my fear, devour my despair

And then puke it up in my face

Until I loathe every fiber of my being

I am not enough.

I will never be enough.

 

2010. Each day you force me to do the unthinkable

Without a speck of remorse

A microscopic piece of me knows this is crazy

I deserve this. I deserve this.

I CAN’T STOP deserving this.

 

Hunched over, spewing out mind, body and soul

Into that too familiar white prison

Just a little longer now, worshipping

You, my ultimate betrayer

Flirting with the angel of death

 

2012. I’m aching, throbbing, mutilated

I feel the white hot pulse, irregular

Tugging at cords with the slightest move

Constant beeps in the distance

 

Familiar pain forced with each swallow

A parasite shoved up my nose and down my throat

This is all thanks to you

I hear the Drip.

Drip.

Drip.

And another robot smiles

 

2014. I’m drowning in blood and vomit

All I can hear is the

Ringing in my ears and the

Water splashing

My vision goes

BLACK

And a sharp pain rattles in my brain

Stumbling up, I grip the countertop and

Stare into hollow, dark eyes

I see my heart through grey skin,

Desperately fighting to beat

Tears spill from the caves in my face for

The first time in too long

And I realize how real this is

How real you are

 

2015. For twelve years you’ve desensitized me

Seared me with scars

Seduced me with suicide

You robbed me from reality and

Used me like an object

 

Still today I’m tortured with insanity

Still today I’m threatened with lies

Still today I look in the mirror, repulsed by the

Horrific reflection

As my body morphs into a state that brings back

Those fucking memories.

 

And you sit back and laugh.