Sleepwalker
i have this bad habit
where i bite my tongue until its sides turn white with death
and my mouth tastes metallic
i have this bad habit
where i dig my nails into already stinging cuts
because for some reason
i just can't seem to get enough
I have this habit of nitpicking every word and sentence structure that gets thrown at me
because when i sit here dead as dust thinking about something i can never have i realize
here in the middle of nowhere
yet still somehow at the center of everything
it is better than living with you as the groundskeeper to
my mind
my sanctuary
my temple
it is better than living with you as the only light guiding me towards the wrong way out
i am not scared of you anymore
i will not be cut down by your memory
not going to let it go just to wake up somewhere cold
you've taken knives to my angel wings but that won't stop me from flying because i'm not about to let a man whose name i don't even know rule the rest of my life
I am not broken glass stained red by your greedy hands
i have not been packaged
for your picking
while you bend halos into night
i have not lived this long
for you to be my death sentence
so i will live in my world without the walls you have put up to shut angel noise out
i have learned to denounce the taste of victim or survivor as it rolls up my throat
word vomit
i am not an event
i am not a word
there is no date hanging above my head indicating that is all that i am
because i am not just what was leftover from some man's mistake
i am human
i am me
so forgive me
please
forgive that sometimes no matter how willing my spirit is
my skin is now sick with dread
forgive the whispering fingertips echoing you asked for it
i can still feel him on my skin
forgive me for not being the same person i was before but do not pity me
i am not a cat stuck in a tree
nor am i some bear in a trap
i am boundless
I am free
but with pity you are thus condemning me to be less than i ever was before when really i am more
than just some student
sitting in a classroom
while someone drones on
about a subject i won't need to know in life
Because
sorry
but frankly
i'm just taking your class for the credit
because graduation is my goal
and past that i see myself with a doctorate
and one day a family
Because that night
and that man
do not
can not
and will not
ever
define me
they
will not change the course of my life
if anything now i am aware
of being aware to the sickness
dwelling in some men's souls
and aware of how tortured a woman can be by this
some people say I'm a fool
for thinking like this
But the day will come
when deaths hands will be at my throat
and i dont want to stare him in the eyes
ive been sleepwalking
to have to finally realize
i've already spent too much time
backed into the corner
of a windowless room
watching life go by
through stained-glass lenses
i don't want to sit here
and feed my fears anymore
I will not be that girl
because while most girls in highschool would kill
to be so popular
that everyone knows your name
it's not the same feeling
when instead of seeing envy or lust
you see sorrow and detachment
staring back at you
i just want my life back
and i plan to take it
even if i have to suspend the part
of myself holding me back over cataclysmic cliffs of antidepressants
i have no time to play or guess
while I'm at war with my mind
I don't want this to control me
i don't want to live in fear
but somewhere deep inside i
can't help but relive crawling flesh
i fear what i don't know
i didn't know who was looking at me two blocks back
a man
that had been following me
the past half hour
i don't know why the same thoughts spin in my head
at a pace so fast i might collapse
it's like i can't trust myself anymore
i didn't know what i was going to do when the man in the black suit
closed the distance
his pace quickened
mistake
mistake
why am i doing this to myself
i should have known
bad things happen to good people
in dark places
where shadows cover screams
there are things in this life
worse than death
so sleepwalker lay my bones to rest
and rot
so that my decay may heighten
and bloom into dandelion tufts
every monster in this world is human
Man made
Skinny
Pretty
Plastic
Rot
Rape
Flower
Decay
i am done
i want no part in this torture
his heavy steps should not be at the forefront of my mind
his stone green eyes are gone
man made up monsters to introduce evil to kids
so when they were old enough to know they wouldn't have issues
replacing gargoyles and gremlins staring down
with the faces of men
with picture perfect teeth
you cannot tell me
the street phantoms do not lurk
within nightmares dressed as a lie
he
was dressed as a lie
that's now halfway mine
Stop
I need to stop
memories are not just about the past
they determine our future
So dwindling
on the soullessness of his eyes
and his caramel breathe
will do nothing but drive me insane because in hatred as in love
we grow like the thing we brood upon
What we loathe we graft into our very soul
So for now
at least for now
I am in control
my habits are just habits
and I will not sleepwalk