To the Silent One
We met at the start of high school
You walked into English
Right before the bell
And sat at the desk closest to the door
Your knees hit the top of the desk
Your frame shadowed the surrounding desks
I sat across the room
In the corner by the window
And watched
As you befriended the rowdy boys
Who sat in the back
And eventually moved there yourself
We sat in opposite corners of the room
Never once acknowledging each other’s presence
Not once speaking to each other
In gym that year
I played 3 on 3 basketball
Against you
Admittedly, your team one
Because you could dunk
Over my short head
And make threes like LeBron James
But I did score a layup on you
Your team was too comfortable
Not expecting much out of the girls
When I drove past you and scored
That was the closest contact I’ve made with you
Until this year
When you sat across from me
In Calculus class
For two months
We sat facing each other
Individually smirking
At our tablemate’s genius skills
Feet touching only once
As you sprawled your legs under my desk
For a quarter of the year
We sat the closest we have ever been
But remained silent
You didn’t greet me
Say hello or goodbye
Or smile
Your smile that ignites
Matches of warmth
From my desk
I noticed your skin tone
Rich like crunchy autumn leaves
But you never noticed mine
Our eyes never met
Both deep brown
Like fertile soil
You failed to start a conversation
With me
Or ask for help
When you clearly didn't understand
After a quarter we moved seats
I watched as you complained
To your new desk partner
About how hard Calculus was
How you were struggling
To hold onto a decent grade
I heard all of this
And remained inactive
When I could have helped
Tutored you to raise your grade
Explained the concepts
You didn’t understand
And I did
But I never approached you
I waited for you to make the first move
During lectures you smiled
The smile of which I wished
To be the recipient
To a different girl in the room
The one that danced
And wore makeup
And belonged to the clique
I watched you flirt with her
Through looks and gestures
Watched you
Talk
To her after class
Communicate with her
In ways you never had with me
You both shared the inability
To understand Calculus
She couldn’t help you
Like I could
But I guess you didn’t want help
Over the years
I dreamed of attending your games
Watching your reverse layups
And athletic steals
As your friend
Or maybe more than that
I imagined us getting dinner
On Friday nights after your win
And discussing the sport
We both adore
I pictured us walking to class together
In the hallway
Laughing and smiling
Like other couples
I found Christmas presents
I thought you’d like
And wished I could buy them
For you
But to this day
I have yet to speak to you
Your ignorance of me
Cowardice to speak
Has left me sitting here alone
Writing about everything I once wanted
About my heart that longed for more
About my unrealistic wishes
But I don’t feel that way anymore
Just as you didn’t understand Calculus
I don’t understand you
I guess what I’m trying to say is
I’m no longer in love with you