Growing up with my mom, hardly ever had a father figure.It was like I was the only one who ever saw the bigger picture.I grew up in New York with my mom in an apartment.My dad was a handy man who worked on anything from ceiling to floor carpet.I would visit him now and then, but it was never the same.I screwed up at everything and I was the only one to blame.Growing up in a house full of females really changes who you are.Atleast I’m not gay, I was never that by far.I felt out of place, I was in a completely different variety.I don’t watch sports are care about lifting weights.I was always really neat and had the weirdest of traits.I would visit my dad and not get anything right.He would ask me for certain tools and I would just look at him in fright.I would screw up at everything at everything I do.Im not the child he wanted I swear to you that’s true.It was not his fault. It was all mine.I grew up with girls. I guess I was just a little bit too kind.Couldn’t show any sign of weakness to my dad, that was forbidden.I want to be strong like him but who am I kidding.Ended up taking long showers, sitting on the floor just crying.He is not a bad dad, he was great, he was perfect.I hated myself, I want to be just like him but I’m just so imperfect.He would say that he loves me but I knew he was disappointed.I would say I love you to then walk away crying because I’m so pointless.All I ever wanted was to be good enough for my dad.His expectations are so high but I put him down, its just sad.Hes married now and has a child, it’s a girl.I see more of him in her than I ever saw in me since I have been in this world.I would try to show interest in the stuff he likesThat’s the only time we would bond, but I cry myself to sleep every night.Wake up in the morning,On a wet pillow knowing today is just another day to prove I’m a failure.Haveing to hold my emotions in and telling them I’ll cry them out later.Going to the beach or riding a bike with my dad was just another challenge.Having fun was just as hard as finding a word that ryhmes with orange.I hope you’re not looking for some kind of happy endingThis isnt a fairytale.This isnt some story that I’m telling.All of my life I grew up being misunderstood.All I ever wanted is my dad to know that I’m trying.He says that he loves me and that I’m a good son but I know that’s he lying.When I’m with him I feel more useless than an old broken trash can.I now realize that I am nothing but The Shadow of a Great Man.