If you could see inside me

Maybe you could see how broken I am

Maybe you could find all the pieces

And put them back together

Maybe you

Could be the glue

That makes me

Me again

 

I you could see inside me

I don't know if you would stay

When you see the dark I'm fighting

And the chipped heart that tries to beat

Would you stay beside me

For another day?

 

The voices in my head

Tell me that you aren't there for me

But something else

Still whispers

That you'll be there

And you care

 

The voices all around me

Surround me

They drown me

Shouting words and phrases

That I cannot understand

And I'm very quickly finding

That I need somebody's hand

 

But every hand that reaches

Is clawed

Or pushes me down

And I'm still falling

Deep into the ground

 

And if a hand helps me up

Each time I think I'm strong

If they leave me on my own

I break down

 

It's a never ending cycle

I'm stuck in a washing machine

Thrown down and against the wall

With nothing to be seen

 

And even though I know

There's people everywhere

Reaching out to help me

It's hard to really care

 

When I'm the one that hurts me

More than anyone else

And I can't get away from the loneliness

That swallows me whole

 

I'm sick and tired of fighting

Done with trying to understand

What's going on in people's heads

When I can't even understand my own

 

I'm unlovable

And loved

Imperfect

And displayed on a pedestal

For the entire world to see

But somehow they're all blinded

To these demons biting me

 

Nobody sees that something is wrong.

They only see the light.

Cause as long as I keep smiling

I surely cannot bite.

 

I'm fine

I say

I lie

Each day

 

The effort that it takes to get up

Is almost too much.

 

But I get up

Keep going

Push myself

To do better

Run myself

Until I die

Scream my fears

To the sky

And then I

Try to claw away

The choking layers

Day by day

The fears, the lies, the broken truths

The promises from broken youths

The angry words

The burning tears

The calming hand

The words

"I'm here"

 

I believe them for the moment

Until I'm left alone.

Then who knows

Maybe I'll be left here

For good

Because really

Who cares

Why would they

I'm blemished

Useless

Ugly

Hard

And shutoff inside

What is there to see

If I have nothing to hide.

 

I do my best each freaking day

To be the best me I can be

Except something inside me

Is slowly killing me

 

So I scream into the silence

Why can't they understand

Why can't they see

Why can't I see

What in the world is wrong

With me

 

Broken

And I know it

Bound with the chains

Of voices I've listened to

Far too long

I don't know how to go on

 

Don't tell me that you'll be here

Show me

Don't tell me that you care

Do something

 

Cause I won't stick around forever

I'm not your toy

I'm not here to be manipulated

Fed lies

To spit out unearned truths

 

I'm fed up with being cut off

Treated like a child

Expected to act like an adult

And have an attitude

Like a carefree two year old

 

I'm not stupid

Or am I?

Maybe I don't know

 

Maybe they're all right

And I should just give them the key

To what's left of my heart

I'll just let them see

The scars

The tears

The chips

The wear

The fraying edges of my sanity.

If it breaks worse,

Maybe finally I'll be able to sit down

And forget about everything

To stop caring

And lose the pain

Who cares if I go insane

If this pain just goes away

Of being mistrusted

Mistreated

Misunderstood

Every single day

So be it

 

So treat me how you will

Eventually I'll get out of here

Or not

So be it

Who cares

 

I'm done fighting a fight I know I can't win

When the world is my enemy

And my conscience my sin

I'll just go with a flow

That's heading straight downhill

Because in a world with nothing right

It doesn't matter anyway

Right?

 

And yet I can't stop caring

No matter how hard I try.

I'm a broken record player

That won't stop playing music

For the world that tried to destroy it

 

I'm still here

Who knows why

But I'm here

I'm here

 

Stuck in a whirlwind of cutting words

Searching for a way

To learn

To live happy

Amidst the pain

I’ll be here