Back then, first gen,
It was a lot easier when
Mom and dad used to love each other since then
Fights happen, physical actions
Again and again
Still together, broken than ever
Because we don’t have any money,
Examples, examples, relationship goals
Finding each other like shards instead of wholes
Revolving around another
Not embracing souls
Taking pictures of one another to post on instagram,
“Ignore the trolls”.
We strolls, holding hands
Feeling full but got the holes
Feeling we need to a someone to fill it
can’t fill it
Choking again cause i’m thinking
Thinking why nobody loves me,
“why do I feel this way?”
crying, cause he got tired of me.
like mommy and daddy.
never wanted me.
boom. an accident,
Tired. And tired. And tired.
Unhealthy of the pain that rang inside my head
Cause I was so fucking sick and tired of this game
That the people in my life play
Pulling me around like I didn’t have a say
Never asked for a life that could treat me this way
Mom treating me like she could be anywhere else, weighed
Dad left 3 times, he don’t stay.
Friends don’t care, they pray
for the rich and popular highway
I stared at the water in the tub,
“i’ll feel better than i do today”.
Stay a loner, no one can hurt you that way
Just move on, hold it in
Don’t think about it, build thick skin for
And sometimes we’re drawn
To others who say they love us
Over those who lie to us
Until then, we are at that one moment where
Those people are gone.
I cough at that pain.
I been driving fevers, sore throats on anger & hate
But where my medicine at?
It’s the love that was never given, never swallowed
Cause people be spitting
Not even realizing how easy they got it by appreciating.
They so worried about the paper,
The getting not giving.
When will my revelation begin?
To unravel, that you don’t need people to feel happy for yourself
Then it slapped me across the face that the reliance on others to love you in health
Is not through wealth.
Not through appearance.
And not through labels.
But through the forms of love.
We call actions.
The romanticization of relationships are enough
It feeds the illness of high expectations and disappointments.
To not even treasure small moments
So what does a healthy relationship mean to me?
To tell the truth to,
To care for,
To feel for,
To have respect for,
Most of all, to give for.
I still and will do all these things for people who have hurted me.
For that, it is true.
“Because I love you.”
I no longer want to be a victim to myself
I no longer want to play a victim.
Till this day, I am still healing
But I’m holding on
To the thought that love isn’t in chocolates, money, or roses
It’s not pictures on social media
It’s the small doses
of the forms of love.
I hope to cling on this belief till my very last breath
And I dare life to try to kill me again
Although I am gone, I
Understand that sometimes it is not my fault, I
Will continue to carry the medicine, I
Will not allow myself to fall, I
Will love myself & others despite it all, and that
My soul will rest in peace.
To begin, I do not really have a “positive” opinion of love and what it should mean to me. Whether romantic, strictly platonic, or familial, I live a life where relationships can be extremely strenuous and filled with problems.
I’ve been outcasted by family, betrayed by friends, and broke up with a lot of partners.
Perhaps this broken naivety could be explained by how open I was and willing I was to go through great lengths for them.
Sometimes, no matter who the person, I could not expect others to change for me. Whether it was for the greater good for the relationship, or perhaps themselves.
Even I realize that I could not change for others.
Because of this, I have found myself to be extremely distant, where I do not want to share a piece of me with anyone. It’s just too much.
In the end, you’re still broken. Cold. Empty.
No matter the state I was in, I allowed myself to never give someone the satisfaction of ruin they caused. Especially the ruin I caused myself.
Honestly, I thought it was that type of arrogant confidence I had which allowed me to see through my depression and victimization. I did not want this.
I want to be happy, and to keep being happy.
I began to learn that prosperity and self-value is what gives one true security in life. I think it is a tad much to expect others to truly care and love you, when you could fathom all of that for yourself. I do not want to think that it is pessimistic to say, but more in a sense where I now expect A LOT from myself, rather than from others.
That is not to state that love is truly beautiful. Heavens, no. It is something that is extremely genuine & gives you happiness. It is very healing to one’s mental and spiritual energy. Love comes in so many forms of goodness, it is pretty difficult to explain in detail what a “healthy relationship” truly means for a person like me. This sort of endearment comes in respect, support, open-mindedness, generosity, understanding, compassion, etc. It is a beauty that can be found within anybody, but mostly yourself to begin with. I think that is what feeds the strength and “health” of a bond between two people, regardless of what relationship they’re in.
By reflecting my experiences, I’ve taken upon myself to realize that life is ever-changing, not unkind. We cannot tell if relationships are going to treat us badly from the beginning because people often fool themselves so well, they fool us. I’ve taken the time for myself to heal from such traumatic experiences, and encourage others to move on this message. We do not deserve to be treated unkindly, and we can not allow ourselves to dwell in it. We deserve to be happy, and be happy with ourselves, even if it is with other people. Share the gifts of love, and the many forms of it. That is the health we CAN allow ourselves to swim in, and have it run its course through the very veins of our lives.
Thank you so much for reading,