I try to hide what's inside. Alone, unloved, disappointment constantly these are  the words running  through my head.I try to hide behind this smile. Maybe I am an Artist I paint in on everyday and never let the truth escape. But is it  that i am the one who can't escape? Run from the past just in hopes to find something or someone to make the words go away. Yet am I to scared to let them see the truth. What am I scared of? Is the truth so hard and so unkind that it must hide or is it the unknowing of what death is.Could I finally be free or is it all a dream? Are my scars all to real? I see the glances and hear the whispers of my unhonorable battle scars from the war inside. Alone on the front line trying to fight in a war that no one sees or yet no one wants to see.

                 I know you see me and I know you hear my scream begging for help but yet you want to pretend that we are all fine.I reach out just to be shot down by my own hopes. Am I really the problem or Am I the one that has to be blame for your life changing .I remain this way trying not to be you yet that is the first thing I do. Crawling in to bed hoping that he will love me yet we all know what this it an escape from the pain. Unhealthy coping chasing after an escape that could leave you infected or worst pregnant and alone.Well I guess I am you pregnant alone and even more of a disappointment then what I already was. I am given the same chose  am I going to let this little beating heart that lives inside of me live or am I going to end it not giving it a chance to maybe find some happiness which I can't find myself.But is pass on the cycle of pain and a abuse worth it? Should I end it quick give some mercy? The decision is mine and I choose to be stressed, alone,and heart broken but I will take this 18 years and 9 month sentence with every struggle it may bring to end her life was not for me. 

                But to my surprise something that I thought was a sentence turned out to be a blessing undisguised. At first look there was something more than myself something I didn't understand. How could someone so small in a matter of moments have so much power over me. The sound of that little girl's cry pulled at my heart strings.In the moment the words faded and a sense of being loved washed over me. All my pains and weakness died in that hospital bed. 

                  Knowing that my life was not mine anymore.I could not walk away or take the easy road out. My inner demons had to be defeated and i was the only one on the battle ground. Until i got help,and it was like a whole army stepped out of the shadows. I didn't have to do it alone anymore. A weight has been lifted of my shoulders because of one little life that I could have destroyed. How could love a beautiful child and give something more to her if I was self destructing and trying to find my own way out. I learned that my life belong to that beautiful girl that was born on April 23rd at 12:44 pm.  

That's my poem. Something about me is I have been battling major depression for most of my life.And i have tried to end my life before but now i have gotten the help to be strong and to face the day. I beg you to get help if you ever fell that way because even when you think that you are alone and unloved. There is someone out there who understands and loves you for you no matter what your battle scares are.