Rainbow Love
Rainbow Love
My sperm donor
Some people would call him my father
Said he loved me more than a rainbow
And that was when I learned
What his idea of love meant
I knew his love was small
Because i looked up at the sky
Reached for the rainbow
And could crush it inbetween my 2 fingers
So as he said
I love you more than a rainbow
I learned loving any man
Even if it’s family
Meant pleasuring
Meant being taken away from childhood at 6
Meant living in Kansas
Except without Dorothy’s storm shelter
Meant making yourself smaller
So you can’t speak
You can't confess
You can just be a particle of the rainbow
Meant not being able to sleep
Without your baby sister in your arms
Because his sick twisted rainbow love
Was strong enough to pounce on you
Take you
Cowardly
So maybe if you hold her long enough
She will never learn this cowardly rainbow love
She will never have to feel chained in her home
It meant not being able to call him father
Not calling him dad
In fact there was no name for a real- life monster
Disguised as a human being
Perhaps lion predator coward was more exact
But there was a pot of gold
There was the possibility of light at the end of the rainbow
You see the phrase somewhere over the rainbow
Meant everything to me
Meant the hope I needed to survive
Because as he claimed his love for me
I realized i was no longer in kansas
As Dorothy would say
I was no longer just his cowardly daughter too afraid to speak
I thought about the new man my mother was dating after my parents divorce
And how he told me he loved me
Except I didn't have to pleasure him
I didn't have to hold my sister in my arms in his home
I got to sleep
I got to dream
I didn't have to make myself small
He made me the biggest i can be
No a rainbow
But the sky
The sun
The moon and stars
Anything I wanted to be
This man was a father
This man was not a predator
But a lion who cared for his cubs
So i love you more than a rainbow
Meant I no longer had to see a monster as daddy
But i could finally see light over the rainbow
As dad father hero
The light that showed me who i deserve to be
The pot of gold giving me the richest life
TS.