Dear everyone who has left I still look outside to see if it's you who's blowing smoke outside my window. I still slowdown in traffic to see if it's you in the car next to me. I still hope that it's you who's knocking at my door so early to greet me with your bright morning eyes. I can't pull myself together because I'm used to seeing headlights radiate through my home and I would know it's time for us to escape into the night. Now it's just the neighbors son or daughter coming home late from hours of thrill. I didn't care if you were a sinner. We were Delilah and Samson, Judith beheading holofernes, and judas kissing Jesus. I wonder if any of you ever look back on what you've created? Did any of you ever go back and hug people you've hurt and tell them the monster they see is not them? None of you had the power to hurt me. In fact I think each one of you taught me something. Whether it was to smile through failure or to how to sneak out of back windows. To love through betrayal or speed down roads high out of your mind. I like to believe I taught all of you that you're not just a body with a vacancy sign.In return I think you made me vacant. Before you took the life out of my eyes, you were the first to hold my hands and say I was warm.When Everything around me had lost so much value and The days looked gray, you were my splash of color Sometimes I can't decide if the dreams I have of pastel pink and us walking through trails of trees could be a nightmare or a sweet memory. And lastly you, oh I didn't think you would make this list. When I'm walking down the street or to the front of the school and I see a shadow of curls it's no longer you. My brother, the brother I never had, you'll never understand. And I guess I'll never understand you either but thank you. Thank you for saving my life. Thank you for giving me a home.   I left home for a while.Out of all the possessions I could've taken I took two dying sunflowers. They portray the loveliest death to me. They are like Caravaggio, he paints death and makes it into a masterpiece. Oh they make decay look majestic. Him and I are decaying very rapidly but at least we were decaying within each other. He made me feel like I used to. But life doesn't work that way. He's independent now. He's The man in the courtroom who stands with the most elegant leather jacket you've ever seen. I secretly thank him for having such a clean style because I took the clothes he left behind. He's charming. His wink and smile could change you. His words used to flow with joy through my veins. I hope he makes it to 85. I hope I never step on cracks in the sidewalk so his back doesn't break. I hope you get to design that building in the city. Maybe I'll see it my world. Well, what used to be our world. In my heaven I hope I find love that isn't corrupt. Ill see you soon.  I love you Dad.