Not knowing

The thing about not knowing is it is totally Ambiguous.

it’s pretty scary not knowing.

it’s even scarier not knowing what you don’t know.

 

for me,

this takes form in my biggest fear

going mentally insane.

not knowing it

and having no one to blame.

coming from a family full of mental illness does not help.

could you imagine losing your mind?

and maybe not even knowing the time?

relationships that could be the most important, may be lost.

no more words.

                        no more thoughts.

 

the way he walks.

               It has always brought me fear. But I know,

it’s because of the way he’s not here.

my uncle.

            Autistic.

                      Lives two hours away.

in a home where people have no say.

my uncle is Autistic

and to me Autism is my uncle

he could be...

the funny uncle.

             the cool and hip uncle.

                            the serious uncle.

                                         my uncle.

but he is not my uncle, and he will never be.

all I see is a stranger who lives two hours away from me.

I often wonder if he is aware that he is the cause of so much stress,

the cause of my moms childhood being full of neglect.

 

my mom tells me the stories of growing up with 

a brother

who is not a brother.

she has scars.

when he would wake up in the middle of the night,

his cards out of order,

that means the most vulnerable person in the room:

                                                                                   My

                                                                                   mother  

     

Gets attacked.

do you think he understood what he was doing?

one may never know

but isn’t that scary?

I’d say so.

 

the thought of being the source of that stress

unable to maintain relationships.

Hurting those around me and not even knowing it

not being a sister or aunt but being my illness.

 

The thing about not knowing is that it is totally ambiguous.

its pretty scary not knowing 

it’s even scarier not knowing what you don’t know.

                                                         

This poem is about: 
Me
My family
Our world

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