“For Lexi Brain”
because you are something special
and I see it in your eyes
especially
but not restricted to
the time on Friday
I think
Or Thursday
when I told you about how I sometimes get a hand cramp
when I’m wiping after I pee

and your laugh was the epitome
of a genuine and lasting
beautiful laugh

and to make you laugh that laugh
I would live for it

And then there’s this way you draw
and you don’t as much as you’d like to anymore
but you still do and you still can
and you’re so
incredibly
talented
and I still have that picture of Bisael you drew
to put in her scrapbook
that I never finished or gave to her
but am going to someday soon
but it does make me
smile
to have your drawing for your friend you love and have loved for so much of your time in
my
possession.
holding not only a piece of your talent as an artist
BUT your talent as a friend
and your talent as a smile

(you don’t have to smile all the time to have that)

no, I don’t remember what you have said
or done
that has made me laugh
but I remember conversations in which I did
laugh with you
laugh because of your words
laugh together
I TRULY DO remember walking sometime
Many times
and laughing together with you
and sometimes there were other people,
of course.
and even though your picture may not be in the dictionary next to the generalization “funny”
your picture is in the dictionary next to “the most important funny moments”

and just because you have to work at some classes
that doesn’t make you less smart
or because you don’t understand something,
it doesn’t mean your intelligence is lower than it should
or could
be
Because everyone has to work harder at some things
and at least you don’t have to work harder at being a good friend
or a good person
or a good daughter
or a good sister
Or a good friend.
I know sometimes you think you do
(I’ve especially learned it for the being a friend part),
but you really
truly
in all actuality
DON’T.

beautiful
wonderful
vastly
amazeballs (cred to Umers)
talented
pretty
fun
funny
funnest
funner
huggable
smart
An intellectual
bright
and shining
that we can have good
concrete
valuable
conversations with
held strong in meaningful beliefs
is some of what you are made of
still
but also moving
living
breathing
the best cuddler ever (according to The Winner)

so it’s just that you’re an amazeballs girl
going to have a breathing life
as well as destined for a warm
but cold when you need it
life
for valuable
concrete
experiences
that will root you in along the way
and keep you sturdier than you already
are
because you are even if you can’t feel it
and brightly shining opportunities
like your hair
or your eyes
or your hand
and vastly poignant dreams
that I pray you find the strength to follow
and that others will find the strength to help your following
except the difference is that
I know you have the strength
and I can’t be sure about random people on the streets
or not on the streets
or roofs
or wherever they are.
and I see the possibility of a satisfying death
because you lived
as you did
and stayed free
with yourself
when you could and didn’t beat on yourself when you didn’t
and at some point
didn’t beat on yourself for doing just that
but I also see a ferociously breathtaking
and not in a good way
reaction to your death
because I only meant it might be satisfying to you
or people way after the fact
that she lived good
but I think now
that the most truth lies in that
it would be a sad
and important death
to dying
Dead
and living

but I’m going to leave the other part about your death
And maybe not say much more about your death

because that scares me

a lot
and although I think it’s important to talk about
I think I got the nail
on its head
in a way that leaves further interpretation up to you
that I could have taken and run with
but decided to sift
and shape
its way into your lap
instead

and, see, it’s okay to be scared
It really is

a lot

of times

I’m scared

and I don’t tell anyone

and a lot

of times you’re scared

and you don’t tell anyone

And same goes for Bisael

And other people we don’t know

And that Jake kid with a blog

But you

are scared

a lot

and therefore,

and due to my love for you,

I have a hug place for you
in my arms
Forever.

(May 2013)