Letter to the One with the Gun

 

Dear Anxiety,

 

Looking into the barrel of a gun, I take one last breath.

No last words. No pleas. No “tell my family I love them.”

I am paralyzed by fear;

My fate already predetermined by the man with the gun.

Just one harrowing gasp

Then the lead bullet penetrates my skull, piercing through my brain

Leaving a tunnel through the mass tissue as it exits and falls to the ground.

Sharp, excruciating pain centralizes above my brow with exquisite force.

Ears ringing.

Vision blurred.

Head pounding;

My thoughts spin out of control.

Like a leaf slowly falling from a red maple tree,

My body gradually descends to the pavement.

Eyes wide, mouth agape – my face stricken with horror.

A scarlet puddle forms beneath me,

Like a fresh water spring as blood surges from my head.

Pain subdues and coldness sets in.

Beginning at the wound, an icy chill courses through my veins like a mountainous river,

Slowly chilling each section of my body until I am numb.

Only my blood on the pavement warms me now.

I fall back, away from my body

Deeper and deeper until all is black.

Then I gasped for breath.

Drenched in sweat and opening my eyes,

I am welcomed by darkness.

Where am I? I reach out, find a knob and give it a twist.

 

As the lamp eliminates darkness and illuminates my room,

I am exposed to what is real and what is not.

What is not real is that I died.

You, anxiety, unfortunately are real. 

 

I am your vulnerable host, you are my ruthless predator.

When will you free me of my shackles?

You have manifested yourself within me at night

As if pestering me during the day was not enough.

 

Your warnings are superfluous and exorbitant.

Maybe you meant well at first – making me acutely aware of my surroundings

But now it has gone too far.

Not every male is going to kidnap or murder me.

My loved ones are not going to die just because we did not speak today.

I am not going to be trapped in an overturned car every time I sit behind the wheel.

You have plagued me with paranoia, worry, doubt, and negativity.

You are invasive, and intrude on my thoughts – altering them, altering me.

Plummeting my confidence.

Whispering, “you will fail; you are stupid.”

Whispering, “are you sure they like you? They only feel bad for you.”

Whispering, “You talk too much. Explain yourself more because you sound like a fool - make it clear!

Now you are mixing up your words.

Here comes the stutter…way to go.

Not only are you stupid, but now it is blatant.”

 

You made me check my curling iron six times this morning,

Why are you making me turn around and check again?

Oh that’s right.

If I don’t my house will burn down and I will be responsible for my family’s deaths.

I don’t need to pee again for the third time in two minutes.  

 

Your hopeless remarks and dooming reminders are exhausting.

One moment I feel everything – the panic from worrying, the fret of stress, the potential sorrow that may come.

Like a vacuous canvas waiting to be commenced, I am blank.

I feel nothing.

As rapid as a lightning bolt strikes, thoughts appear and disappear

I cannot grasp them to make sense of them.  

I shut down, become detached and descend away from myself.

My identity becoming yours.

 

I try to push you away

I try to discover an outlet

Anything that will provide an escape

But as a mother holds her toddler’s hand crossing a street,

Your grip is abiding.

I occupy myself with more and more tasks.

Lying to myself that I am having fun, I enjoy everything I do.

I do not know what I enjoy honestly.

I just do it.

You stole all of that from me.

 

However, you provided me with perseverance and strength.

So thank you.

If not for you and your constant criticism, maybe I would not be accepted into my dream graduate program.

Your reverse psychology was genius;

Telling me that my odds of acceptance was equivalent to winning the lottery

That I am stupid, I just got lucky somehow and got an A

That one assignment could determine my future.

Remember when I spent 25 hours reading through research articles, made 30 pages of notes

All for a damn four page lab report?

Your reverse psychology worked;

It fomented me to prove my worth to you.

But you will never, ever believe my worth – one day though I will.

 

You see, I was unaware of your presence for a long time.

Surreptitiously lurking around me as a child,

Only making a few prolonged appearances here and there

Gradually becoming more consistent and higher in intensity,

Until I could no longer discern between you and myself.

 

But now I know.

I know you and I know me.

I know you are toxic,

But I am strong.

I know you are a tumor,

But I will overcome your infestation.

I know that you tried to protect me,

But I must protect myself from you.

I know that I have no life with you,

But I will start living once again.

I know that you are the one behind the gun,

But I still won.

The war between us is done.  

 

 

 

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