What from my senior year of high school will still hover in my mind above the useless things I tend to cling to. 

Is it the death of loved ones? The fear of leaving home? The sudden and massive changes that swept through and turned my world upside down?

Will I remember him still? 20 years from now will my heart still ache for someone who never ached for me?

In the last year I have gone from child to adult

From dependent to free

From fear to happiness

Somedays it's like I live on a roller coaster. I am hurdling through space, through a constant barrage of ups and downs, twists and turns

Through the fear of being a female

The fear of mental illness

The fear of my sexuality 

And the fear of my religion

And the thought of knowing that those now in power view me as less than

As inferior  

As a threat

The moment I realized someone I love is never coming back 

The feeling of being treated like shit by someone who promised they loved me

A first real heart break

But through the fear and sickness and death and sadness, there are still moments of joy

My best friend and I running through the halls on our last day of high school

Ordering burgers at two in the morning and watching movies 

Falling in love for the first time

Having sleepovers with my cousins 

Moving out and going to college and FINALLY feeling like I belong somewhere 

Learning to finally love myself and realize I matter 

Life is full of ups and downs

Sometimes it feels like nothing is ever going right or like it's too good and it'll all come crumbling in 

But the trick to being happy?

Is just embrace them and learn to float