I remember it all

 

I remember the feeling of having someone to call my own.

A real relationship.

I remember the butterflies that fluttered along the lines of my stomach.

I remember the moment the words rolled of your tongue asking me to be yours.

I remember it all.

 

I remember what it was like to fall in love.

I remember feeling wanted, feeling ecstatic every day waking up knowing you were mine.

Knowing I meant something.  

I remember feeling that for many months.
The nights spent in your dimly lit room where we’d talk and get to know every inch of each other.

I remember the cheerful holidays with our families and the tiny celebrations of our anniversary every month.

I remember your mother’s cooking, your step dad’s advice, the way your little sister was nervous around me, and the way your older brother always had my back.

I remember it all.

 

I remember the little things.

The bright red roses on Valentines Day.

The stuffed bear that I would tuck close as I slept through the night.

I remember our conversations. The dreams of getting married. The fantasies about the house we’d construct and all the puppies that would run in the yard.

I remember the things you liked.

Your favorite songs that I’d begin to love myself.

They made me feel close to you.

I remember the things you hated.

Me being on my phone and taking my attention away from you.

I remember it all.

 

I remember the fights.

I remember the nights I would fall asleep with tear stained cheeks and awake the next morning to red puffy eyes.

I remember screaming in your face to love me and choose me.

I remember begging for you to stay with me.

Not even just once or twice.

I remember it all.

 

I remember the sting of you telling me you loved another girl.

I remember being frozen in that moment although the cafe around us was bustling.

I remember the drop of my heart into my stomach to this day.

I remember her.

I will never forget her blonde hair and dark makeup.

You later asking me if I would wear my makeup like hers.

I remember the drawings she drew for you that hung in your dorm room where your lips touched hers and you found a new girl to explore.

Oh how I remember it all.

 

I remember when I found out what you did.

I remember the early morning it happened.

The text from my best friend.

The way it felt to hear that you had been intimate with another girl.

I remember running to my mom shaking her awake with tears streaming down my face.

I remember feeling like I was drowning and kicking the lockers at school wondering how the hell I was not good enough for you.

I remember it all.

 

I remember you coming home for Christmas and crying to me about your actions.

I remember that this was after you had bought her an animal for you two to raise and posted publicly about her.

You cried.

You had the nerve to cry as you laid on my chest and told me the truth after endless lying.

I remember my lip quivering and asking you and God why.

What did I do to deserve this?

What is so wrong with me?

I remember everything about it.

 

I remember falling back into your twisted world regardless of what others said.

I remember loving you and wanting you so badly that I gave you another chance to prove them wrong.

I remember how things were never the same.

The way you changed.

I didn’t understand.

I remember wanting it to be like the days of roses and roaring laughter.

The feeling of realizing it never would be.

 

I remember being done.

Texting you and telling you I couldn’t do it anymore, it was too much.

I remember being broken, yet satisfied.

As though 50 pound weights had been sitting on me for months and suddenly they had vanished.

I wish this could have been the end of our story.

 

I remember the call.

I can still hear the break in your mother’s voice as she told me where your actions had gotten you.

I remember crying too.

Sitting in my friends driveway dropping to the pavement as my biggest fear came true.

The drugs got to you, they caught up to you like I always told you they would.

I remember not eating or showering because I was so sad for you.

I remember my parents finding out and banning me from ever coming into contact with you again.

I remember disobeying them.

 

I remember seeing you again for the first time.

Eight long days later.

You had dark eyes and a tremor that haunted your body from withdraw.

I remember the months we spent together in your father’s house because you had an ankle bracelet that pinned you down.

I remember trying my best to see you against my parent’s will.

 

I remember when it finally ended.

For good.

Nothing was the same and it was time to stop fighting for it to be.

The months that followed were confusing without you.

Like a part of me was missing.

I remember sneaking you to my dorm and meeting with you behind everyone’s back to try and rekindle a friendship.

I remember trying to fall out of love with you.

 

I remember sitting up late into the night searching for an answer as to why I was still in love with you.

You shattered me.

Into a million pieces.

You had touched another girl after telling me you only wanted that connection with me.

You chose substances that gave you a temporary high after promising I was better than any drug. How could I still love you?

I remember the fights from just a few months ago.

I remember you throwing my insecurities at me like dodge balls.

 

I remember the second call about you, from one of my dear friends.

I remember hearing the words dripping from his lips.

You were back to your original ways and being pinned down hadn’t taught you what it should have.

That night I pressed a bottle to my lips to stop crying and make the pain fade away.

I remember calling you and driving past your house hoping it was a mistake.

Like it was my job to rescue you or something.

But it’s not, it never was, and I could never save you from the life you created for yourself.

 

I remember moving on.

Finally.

I remember you slowly leaving my mind and the holes in my heart being replaced with new love, new hope, and new opportunities to grow.

I remember loving myself so hard and the glow people saw in me.

A glow they hadn’t seen in years.

I remember it every day.

 

I remember it all too well.