I hope

I hope

I hope

That someday

I will not be afraid

No

I hope

That I will be afraid but able

Able to do it anyway

I hope that I will be enough of myself

That I don’t have to care

That I will be enough of myself

To care

That I will be enough

Just me

To tell the world

What I feel

Without fear

Without fear of fear

I hope

That I will

Tell them

 

That I will

Tell all

 

That I will

Be okay with

Not telling

 

I hope that they will not scream

Or hurt

Or disown

Or disappoint their way into my eyes

 

I hope

 

That they will

And that I will be okay anyway

 

Okay anyway

Okay

Anyway

 

I hope that one day

I will not be afraid

Of being afraid

 

Why not now

 

Somehow

 

It doesn't seem safe.

 

To tell your family who you love?

Is not safe.

I am dependent

Disownment

College tuition

And I am afraid

Of what they will say

Of what their eyes will

Do

Of you

I am afraid

They will not want me

Anymore

 

If they ever did

 

Of course they did

 

But I am afraid that they will not want me

To be theirs

Anymore

 

Nope

Not ours

Not her

Not that -

 

Not

What.

 

Not ours.

No

What

What? Nothing.

Fine.

 

I am typing and it's loud and bloody but they cannot hear the words only the

Clickity pat flackidy

And they do not know

They may never know

That I sit here

In a well of anxiety

And fear

That I am here and I am hurting

What does it matter?

They are annoyed with my typing, perhaps.

That’s funny.

That they are annoyed with my writing.

When they do not know what it is I say

To no one.

Is it saying if no one hears?

Ah

That is the magic of writing.

 

I am writing

I am waiting

Waiting for what?

 

Perhaps

I should not use

Such a loud

Keyboard

 

But they are all this way.

 

 

All day

I’ve been taking my pulse

 

And that sounds like a beginning

But it is

An end.