To the Family that Lived Inside my Head
Mother,
I knew it.
I knew you were the one to tell me
I wasn’t good enough.
It was not my teacher from fourth grade or
The mysterious boy I fell in love with when I was sixteen.
It was you.
It was you that walked out of my life when I’d just started to love you,
You who never taught us to fight back when our father swung,
We just knew enough to step out of his way;
You, who stole my courage before I had a chance to find it and
Mother,
I forgive you.
Father,
I never got the chance to tell you,
I love you.
I never got the chance to tell you that it wasn’t mother that widened the space in your heart when she left,
It was me, and
I never got the chance to remind you that
You could never find our warmth inside you
It didn’t matter how many glasses of whiskey you drank
Father,
I’m sorry.
Sister, do not be enraged when I tell you
That you were a great mentor, but it is not a misspelling for mother, and
Torn heartstrings cannot be mended as easily as
The kneeholes in my pants you were kind enough to sew when I fell;
Sister,
I never thanked you.
Every fight, every conversation that just ended in screaming
Every argument that ended with more scars than apologies
Every time I watched your face glow slightly pink
When I told you I hated you.
Sister,
I never hated you.
To the family that lived inside my head,
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry I ended you,
I’m sorry I crushed you.
Mother,
I still can’t believe the rope I constructed for you in your grimy hotel room
Silently slipped around your neck
And where my gunshot wounded you
Was just two inches too far
From your blackened heart.
Father,
I am ashamed to realize that your poison actually destroyed you,
But I’ve learned drain cleaner does not alter the taste of Jäger
And how watching you drown in your addiction
Is fascinating.
Sister,
It wasn’t fair.
But you never remembered the moments when
You left me alone with
a medicine cabinet full of moments when
I could’ve ended it all.
When I locked you in our bathroom, with the shattered mirror-
It was a matter of time before you replicated my steps of
Contemplating whether it was worth it.
Sister,
I died inside months before you did.
To the family that lived inside my head,
I’m sorry; I loved you, but-
I could not live with you anymore.
It was either me, or you.