You know I kept those roses and they are still growing I even have that Build-a-Bear him got me for my 17th birthday. It is a little tabby cat dressed as a witch for Halloween. He was the only boy that really listened to me when I spoke. Not even my dad does that. I remember not wanting to invite him over because I knew he liked me. I knew him so well that if I had told him what I wanted for my birthday with no questions asked he’d get it for me. Is that weird? Not wanting someone so close to you because you’re afraid about how much they cared about you.
There are still times when I wish I had taken the next bus to Lubbock, TX. It was all planned. I would surprise him and somehow in that big campus I would find across the courtyard. Our eyes would meet and he would smile because he knew I was finally his. Even though it took me four years to figure it out that wouldn’t matter. I pictured myself running straight to him and throwing my arms around his neck, and then I would kiss him, but it wouldn’t be just any kiss. The kiss would be the kind you see in movies where everyone fades away, and nothing else mattered besides the person your holding in your arms. Maybe, that has been my problem all along. I’ve always wished that my life was a movie that I was too busy to see the real life in front of me.
I stopped believing in love and marriage a long time ago. At one point, plenty of girls and women dream about their future wedding. Picturing about how their dress would look, what color and what kind of flowers they’d like to use. Wondering who Mr. Right was and how he would change their lives. Just thinking about how married life would be like. My fantasies must have been so brief because I can hardly remember what they were when I was younger. That’s just it I grew up to fast. I don’t even remember when my thoughts decided to cross such a dark path. To me, love is nothing but a myth, like mermaids, the Greek Gods and magic. In fact, I believe in all those things faster than I do in love. I have never seen a mermaid, a Greek God, or any real magic for that matter but I still have this childish hope. There is little to no hope left inside of me for love. I have seen and felt too much hatred that I vowed to myself I would never get married. Although, there is that movie reel that still plays in my head where an incredible man comes and sweeps me off my feet and suddenly changes my mind about everything. That I might just be able to have my happily ever after. Even that fantasy though has begun to look blurry.