Practicing t-ball in the big field behind our old house , you pushed me hard,  you made it count.

Dad what did i do ?

I remember you helping me, no training wheels on pushing me along

Dad what did I do ?

I remember playing rummy in bed with my mom & people always bringing us food .. Not knowing 'breast cancer' what was what was she was going thru

Dad where were you?

I remember messing around,  being nosey thru night stand and seeing 'divorce for dummies' asking mom cus i didn't understand & she seemed clueless too.

Dad what did she do?

I remember days, months, years of pure ignorance . Ignoring us like we didn't exist... Writing us notes just to inform of us of shit

DAD WHAT DID I DO

Made me do chores before homework,  because you know that was important. 

Dad I don't get you.

Felt like I was never enough, because in your eyes I never was

Do you remember? Cause I do .. We were too loud one morning and you wanted us to write down 'we were sorry'  million times on pieces of paper.

My young self was so anxious my mom took me from the house & eased my mind with halloween shopping, i was Dorothy that year, mom made everything seem fine.

Dad why couldn't I ever impress you?

Sleeping at a friends house was the best, coming home was a mess . "Dads mad, when we get home go do your chores and nothing more"

Dad why didn't get an "i love you" or anything more?

I grew up with you there , but your love and appearance was never there.

Now I get lectured a lot "you're not 'just marinda' you offer a lot"

But you don't understand dad you've let me down time and time again that its sketched in my head that im not good , no matter the chance.

Dad why wasnt I ever good?

You were a fear tactic,  a roomate who had kept a roof over my head besides that all i can say is my mom is the best.

First anxiety attack,  transitioning from old house to new house so we stayed in apartment which was cool till that day on thanksgiving.

I wont go into detail but YOU know what i'd seen. Do you know how bad that day affected me?

Dad why didn't you love me?

I don't get it i never will.
The affect you made on my childhood will always be there.

The older i get i feel the more we connect, but i can never forget all the times i felt a void and maybe some regrets.  Felt like my mom was a burden when she only tried to give you love.

Dad I dont get you, your supposed to b her #1

You're the biggest negative impact on my life , you've scarred me so much but i don't think you'd ever think twice.

Dad im over it, gotta move on with less and less of your negative affects that you probably never realized had an impact.