Dear divinity.

 

I have many questions for you

That I'm not sure you'll ever answer

Because over the last few years of my life

My fealty to you

Has grown less and less steadfast.

Our relationship has always been

A constant game

Of "The Sufferer

And The Witness".

Do not take this to heart

But throughout my life

You have become more like

A child burning ants

With his shiny new magnifying glass

Than an ally

Or a friend.

 

I grew up believing you had a plan for me.

At least,

That's what my family would say.

The notion that you had my life plotted out for me from the start,

It irks me.

What is the point

Of putting me through this seemingly

Never-ending trauma

My whole life?

What is satisfying about it?

 

I prayed to you

Night. 

After night.

After night.

No answer.

I called out to you

After every tragedy,

After every instance of abuse.

Why would you not answer?

I didn't know what was happening to me.

I thought it was all a game.

Nobody told me

That what was happening to me

Wasn't normal,

That it was wrong,

That it was illegal.

 

I was told

That you would reward those

Who passed all your trials and tribulations.

Who survived every hardship

You placed in front of them.

Will that day ever come for me?

If I've lost my faith

Believe that it is your own doing.

I bowed at your feet for mercy many a time.

I begged for you to stop torturing me.

Every day I wake up

And see the me

That used to be,

Before the storm,

Staring back in the mirror.

The child you abandoned.

The son you neglected.

The one who put his trust in you

And said "God

If you are above,

Please gift me your saving grace,

For the life you have given me

Has left me questioning

If I should leave this mortal plane

In a way not unlike my father.

Please,

I beg of you, 

Grant me your mercy

For once in my life."

 

I don't even know

Why I'm writing this.

It's not like you'll ever read this.

You didn't care before

And nothing you could do now

Can erase the horrors I've suffered. 

I don't want justice

For the crimes committed against me.

It won't prevent the nightmares.

It won't bring me peace.

It won't put the smile

Back on my face.

It won't destroy the numbness

That has plagued my heart

And weighed heavy on my shoulders

For oh so many years.

All I ask

Is that if you are somehow reading this

Please

Give me a sign.

 

Yours truly,

Daniel

The boy you threw in the lion's den