6 years old not a worry in the world, happy family: my Mom, Dad, brother and I.

7 years old I start to go to bed to the soothing sound of screaming, over what? That I cannot tell you. Feeling as if it was my fault, tears stream down my face with one ear smooshed in my orange pillow and the other ear covered with my nude pink bear who I called, ¨Blanky Bear.¨

8 years old I can start to tell that Dad has been drinking a lot. He comes home from work and then goes straight to his barn, ¨to work¨ Mom gets mad and leaves us. After what feels like hours they come back Mom has a tear stained face and Dad's face is beat red when they say goodnight to me my Mom's voice is shakey and my Dad´s breath stinks like my breath did  after he let me try a sip of one of his many Bud Lights at dinner.

9 years old  I´m playing with my Bratz dolls when I hear a loud pound come from downstairs, my Mom screams to me to call 911 on my own Dad. I choke. I grab the house phone but my fingers were paralyzed. My Dad´s yell was muffled by this strange silence...If intensely staring at a blank piece of white paper 2 inches from your face for hours had a specific sound, that´s exactly what I heard. He was telling me that everything is okay and that I do not need to do such a thing and go as far as calling the police on him...I didn't call the police Mom just ended getting a couple bruises from ¨working in the garden.¨

9.5 years old Mom yells to my father she doesn't love him anymore and left the house to go meet up with Jay, the man she really loves I guess, at least that´s what my Dad told me.

I see my father cry

10 years old they sit us down look us in the eyes and say they are splitting up. What a surprise! My brother cries for hours but I am too numb to feel any form of sadness, I only feel how you feel when you take a deep breath, inhaling a ton of air then sigh as you're exhaling.

11 years old we live right down the road from Dad´s house. We live in a campground. It was the only thing my mother could find she meets a guy named Kevin. Kevin is awesome and my bestfriend's cousin. Dad doesn't like Kevin, I´m suddenly not allowed to go to my friend's houses anymore. I'm being punished.

12 years old someone stole from my Mom so Dad let us stay with him, just like when I was six we were happy together and a family! Again! But at this point I know I´ll never be with someone like my father and I´ll never be like my mother to choose someone like my Dad.

13 years old the cycle again begins, screaming and yelling except this time I don't care as much, Dad kicks us out and back to square one we find a nice split house. Our neighbor has a son who just got out of jail. Dad was in jail once, according to the phone calls I overheard; my Mom said it was for DUI, Driving Under the Influence. What a shame. Mom and Dad aren't living together anymore but still talk and argue on the phone, Dad has the money but is desperate for Mom and Mom has the strength to leave Dad but is desperate for money, see the problem?

14 years old I don't hear from my Dad much anymore. He doesn't call, he doesn't text, just comes and goes as he wants. I haven't been to his house in 9 months. I´m happy though, doesn't seem to bother him so it doesn't bother me much.

15 years old Mom finds a new boyfriend. Mom´s money supply is completely cut. Now 3 of us are living off 2 paychecks one from being a paraprofessional and one from working the cash register at Tractor Supply. She starts to use all the money I´ve saved up my whole life for my college education. Like most things, it does not anger me, I know she needs it. We get what we need, nothing more and nothing less. I still don´t go to my Dad's house and all the sudden he becomes this caring father and he wants to ¨spend time with me” because he loves me. But really, he started to have to pay child support. He threatens to call the cops on me...I guess he doesn't remember the time I didn't call the cops on him. Repaying favors, actually, anything having to with the word ¨pay¨ wasn't exactly his forte. He tells my Mom he is going to shoot her and her new boyfriend, Shawn. This threat is not effective enough for his liking so he tells my brother he´s going to shoot himself. I thought about his death and his absence and I imagine a simpler life for myself...the guilt for even thinking such a thing still haunts me to this day.

16 years old I start going to my Dad's house. Mom is angry with me that I am doing this. I cannot  please anyone. Dad and I always argue, he says things about my mother, mean names, he says mean things to me...I think I remind him of her, especially after he's been drinking.

17 years old  Tod still has hate for my mother and they can only communicate via email, pathetic right? Tod goes hunting, fishing, and golfing. He still likes to drink. Maybe one day he will love me like he loves my brother. Maybe one day my Mom and him will get along like when I was six. Maybe one day he will do things for me because he actually loves me. Maybe.