when we start talking and your Antarctic-ice blue eyes keep me up at night I know, I love you.

because i love you, i start to wear makeup. you told me i wasn't pretty enough, that makeup would make me prettier, and so i stuck a mascara brush i never learned how to use into my eyes and stared at my teary-red-eyed reflection looking back at me, wondering if in your eyes, it worked.

because i love you, i start to lose love for myself. no longer am i content with my body nor my words. i wear things you like, i try to look like the girls you want. i can't look into the mirror anymore without crying. i don't talk to people because you say i'm a flirt. that i don't love you. that i hurt you. but i could never hurt you. i could never try to hurt you. why would i want to hurt the person i love most?

because i love you, i could not sleep. all i did was stay up, waiting, longing, thinking for you. i was not thinking of you, i was thinking for you. all i want is for you to look me in the eyes and tell me you love me. to stop staring at the other girls like they are lollipops and you, a sugar-starved child. everywhere i looked it was you. my thoughts only consisted of your face, your words, your actions, all you.

because i love you, i am at my saddest. i never sleep, i never eat, i never enjoy anything or anyone around me. i do things i promised i would never do to myself. i hate myself. it isn't teenage girl angst, it's you. i can't talk to my friends because they just won't understand. i isolate myself from everyone. i become lonely with footsteps sounding around me.

because i loved you, i had trust issues. it took me months to be able to talk about you.. i was paranoid. i felt like everyone was out to get me. i never told the truth because people couldn't understand the truth. they couldn't know the truth.

because i loved you, i told my friends about you when i finally could. about what you had done. they helped me as much as they could. they gave me songs, words, and strength. they helped me and let me cry.

because i loved you, i learned. i learned to walk away from a relationship. that sometimes, no matter how many times you say that they'll love you one day, they won't. i learned that the truth hurts. it isn't always what you want, but it'll be what you need. it'll be what shapes you as a person and builds who you are, and that one day you'll love who you are.

and now, i don't love you anymore. at all. not a bit. it's astonishing to see that the boy i loved so much, isn't in my life anymore, and i'm glad he isn't. a person i hurt so much over and never thought i could leave is irrelevant to me.

i love new people. i love the people who have stuck by my side and gave me parts of their heart. in return i give them parts of mine. 

healthy relationships exist. i thought love was hate, fights, terror, and ache. it isn't. it can be beautiful.

i'm in love with a new boy. his eyes are a new shade of blue. they're a lake. they're comfort, home, stability, and trust. 

a healthy relationship is making jokes with him all the time. it's listening to each other's stories. it's making music together. it's listening to why he is happy and just the excitement in his words is enough to put the biggest smile on my lips. it's being able to speak with a glance. it's telling him everything because i want to. it's just gazing into his eyes and smiling unintentionally.

a healthy relationship is 50/50. it's two people wanting to make the most of each other. both aiming to be a better person for the other. it isn't changing because you aren't "good enough". it's acceptance. it's understanding. it's what gives you butterflies in your stomach, not knots. 

a healthy relationship is giving your all. it's a trust fall into a pit, and all you can do is hope the other person is there to catch you, and if it's meant to be, they will be.