Dear sister,

shall I be gone, then, in your eyes?

Living once will never be enough.

the world is wide and bright

bold colors and shapes

spices, animals, the smell and taste of snow

Laundry flapping on clotheslines,

struggling to break free

Our entire lives, you’ve wanted nothing

Nothing

but to flee from us

free from us.

Us.

Gray, colorless world

Dark, hiding beneath blankets, long after midnight.

why must Us be collective?

Mother, Father

supress, repress,

depression

You see abuse where I see helpless love

A lifetime of things stolen from you

One shove in a moment of lost temper

you remember the bad, forget the good, pour out hate upon hate. what have we done wrong?

how were we supposed to love you?

mountaintops

yellow petals, trees

what is the world?

an entire world and no one to give it to

is anything real but Me?

the world is gone if it cannot be shared with another.

We are Young, now.

in years, Mother will be gone, and Father too

long after you come of age.

already you are old enough to leave.

Wait!

Please-

Anna and Elsa-

we will only have each other-

won’t I need you?

Born into a family with a four-year-old girl,

I was promised a sister at birth.

This isn’t fair to ME.

claw free from a gray cocoon

spread mottled orange wings

pump once, twice

fear pinning you to the branch

gravity is just too strong.

tumble through the air-

wind, rocks, sand.

why can’t I escape?

London is a lifetime away

how can I cross the ocean to find you if I have no wings?

surely this is part of your plan.

Ducking behind the labyrinth’s low walls

tan, weathered rocks, stacked.

A labyrinth is a spiritual place.

lose yourself, find yourself-

You seek Only to lose

I would love to have loved you

but how can I love a stranger?

visions of two girls

running through meadows, tumbling and laughing, playing together

memories of hiding, crying in my room, listening to arguments, tearing Us apart.

WHY

must I

be part of Us?

I am not Mother, not Father

I have never offended you, never hurt

never tried to control, never tried to connect

gold thread glimmers under a golden lamp

woven through the rug beneath my feet

I will never have you

Fear brings tears behind your eyes, whitens your face, clenches your muscles.

you cannot move.

How am i supposed to love you?

i am too afraid to move.

Dehydration

tongue soft and dry, all the way back into my throat.

i haven’t had a sip in days.

feels like weeks.

Memories of childhood

How can I drown out the vicious words?

Go upstairs

Shut the door

I might as well be beside you

Music flowing through my earbuds and into my heart

Never drowning out your anger a floor below

I can feel my mother’s pain,

but you can’t.

Rage.

You only want to hurt her.

how can I possibly love you? You?

if I open myself up to you, I know you’ll stab me in the heart.

As you walk on by…

a college in London

Prestigious, highly selective- yet they selected you.

go on, then.

go to London

and never intend to come back.

Who are you but a girl who hates her family?

a tumbleweed, a rolling stone, a gypsy, an explorer

a wayfarer, a ranger, a roamer.

You’ve left me in a rowboat out at sea.

As you walk on by…

La la la la.

Will you call my name?

humid wind blowing back my hair

feeling that it’s about to rain

Why can’t you understand?

We will only ever have one chance!

a blue butterfly perched on a card of swirling white and green

birthday wishes scribbled out in pen

too much honesty

This is it.

i hesitate. i know

you don’t want to hear my words.

you don’t want my love.

days later, i shred the card, unread.

You’ve lost me.

La la la la…

I’ll give up on you.

i don’t come downstairs to say goodbye

as you get into your roommate’s car

Or will you walk on by…

I’ll let you go away.

You don’t want to be found

so I’ll never try to find you.

We were only ever sisters out of birth.

Obligation

childhood memories of being alone

melting a plastic straw over the flames on our menorah

La la la la...

who gives a shit about family anyway?

come on and call my name…

La, la, la…

the song warbles and deepens,

the melody derails, skidding to the side, dragging to a stop.

and now my room is silent.

...

From your younger sister.

My name has never seemed right to my own ears,

and too many times, I've heard it from your lips

spoken in tones of envy or hatred.

You're wrong.

I really don't have everything.

 

Postscript:

please forget about me-

move on,

build your own life, a family.

you can have a future, even if you don't want this past,

the past with us in it,

and I'd be happier

knowing you were really, finally, gone

so I could let you go.